April 15th, 2010 Day 9

Good afternoon everybody. We are now on day 9 of my year long quest. Last night I tried something new. Usually while I am at work, I randomly come across things, or have thoughts that I have the urge to write about. So here we go readers.

First topic of discussion. Cigerettes. Cigerettes and smoking are horrible and should be avoided. Not only is it addiction, but it eventually kills you. There is a guy I work with. His name is Dick, and he is one of the overnight Maintenance guys I work with. He is one seriously heavy smoker. I have thought that before, based on seeing him outside taking a smoke break every so often through out the night, but not nearly as much as I saw him last night. I saw him outside on a smoke break twice within a twenty minute period. He was outside the first time when I got done with partroling the parking lot. Then when I was walking through the hospital checking the doors, I came through another hall way and passed one of the glass doors. Outside was, yup, you guessed it, Dick with yet another staff member out on a smoke break. I remember thinking to myself "Damn! Two cigerettes in a half hour!" About 1 or 2 months ago Dick went through a major surgery. He had been having pain in his chest and when they operated on him, his arteries were at least 70% blocked. He said the doctor told his wife to prepare for the worst because it could go either way. Yet, even after going through that surgery, he is one of the heaviest smokers I know. It is sad to think that he is only killing himself by doing this, but I couldn't help it. If you are a smoker and disagree, then I apologize, but everyone is entitled to their oppinion right? This would be mine. My grandparents both died from smoking related illnesses.

Second topic of the day is this. Doubt. I have a really big problem with this. It is so easy for me to doubt myself. Some days it is harder for me to motivate myself to do the writing and stuff that I'm trying to do. It doesn't mean that I don't want to do it. I do. It just means that when I sit down to write, if I get what you would call "writers block," sometimes it makes me doubt that I can do it. Through reading the novel I finished last night, I can see that there is no wrong way to write when you are writing a book. Whatever you love to do, if you do it from the heart, then you are doing it right.

When I sat down to continue adding to my book, I decided that I was just going to let my mind wander and my fingers type. I went from page 67 to page 72. When I am able to let myself go like that, it is almost like an out of body experience. It is like the words and events flow onto the screen without much effort on my end. When I finally come to a stopping point, the first thing I notice is the small but pleasant ache in my hands from all the typing. I say pleasant because it is what I do. I write, and I want to do it for a living. In order to do that, I must work hard at it. Practice Practice Practice.

So on that note, I will bring this entry to an end. The lesson for today is in 2 parts. 1) Smoking is horrible. Don't do it! If you do, you really should consider trying to quit. It won't be easy, but I know you can do it. It's just my oppinion. Take it as you will. 2) Doubt. Don't doubt yourself. Have faith in yourself. I realized this recently and told myself just to let it out. To not hold back, and to not allow myself to doubt. I know that I'm a good writer. I just need to continue on the path I'm on, and believe in myself.

I will write more for you all tomorrow.

Thanks for being here.

CB

April 14th, 2010 Day 8

Good afternoon. We are now on day 8. Today in order to write my blog entry, I decided I would go outside on our front porch and sit on the rocking chair. One thing I thought about last night while I was at work was that when I'm away from home it feels so much easier to get into the writing groove. It's weird. I can't explain as to why I have such a hard time at home. Maybe its because I feel like my mind is going a million different directions when we are all at home. I'm thinking "Zoe don't do that!" or "Ally get your homework done please!" Or "I wonder what we are going to do for dinner."

Sometimes in order to focus, you need to retire to a place where there are less distractions. So, I am going to briefly attempt to write for you detailing the environment it is for me out here. On the rocking chair, I sit at a slight angle, facing towards the right. In my direct site just to both sides of my vision are two of the big bushes we have out front. There is a third bush but it is further off to the side, not as much in my direct line of site. As I look down at my screen, I can still see the cement stairs leading down to the main level of the yard. That is still not as far down as it goes. If you walk down these steps right in front of me, and then go about ten feet, there are three more cement steps that lead down to the main sidewalk that goes in front of our house.

Through the two main bushes that are in my line of site, out past the main sidewalk I can see what looks to be a six foot area of grass. This area runs between the sidewalk and the curb, all the way down the block. Of course, I don't have site of this from where I'm looking, all I see is the part visible through the bushes. The bushes are different in height as well. The one to my left is a little bit shorter than the one on my right. Our American flag is hanging just over the bush to my right. We have a tree just off to the left of our front porch and the view I have of it from here is the large set of branches that are hanging over head where I'm at, sort of giving a canopy effect. The grass has begun to grow much faster over the last few days and this tells me that when I am off on Saturday I will be getting the lawn mower gased up and the lawn mowed. When I think about this, I do not mind because I actually enjoy mowing the grass. It is almost relaxing in a way.

So today as I sit out here on the porch, I close my eyes for a few seconds and try to think about all the things going on around me, and everything I can feel, hear, etc. The street right in front of me is 3rd st, which is a very busy road. Usually when it is busy out you are lucky if you can count to twenty before another car passes. It happens, and happens pretty often, but when it is the middle of the day not so much. Right now I have counted to ten so far and now I can hear another group of cars coming. I believe that the main reason why there are breaks at all is because a few blocks from here there are stop lights. If there were no stop lights on 3rd I'm sure the traffic would remain heavy a lot longer.

The wind is blowing softly. It feels nice and cool all around me. The funny thing is, it is not cold enough though to cool the house right now. The thermastat in the house says the temp is mid 70's right now. We have not put on our window AC just yet. I'm not sure when we will. Maybe when the temperature reaches a number that is just too damn hot. Who knows. I guess we will see. So we have the wind blowing a gentle breeze around me. Passing right in front of our house, on the street are the sounds of many cars. Each car different in its own way. Sometimes cars without mufflers or even motorcycles will pass by and rev their engine loudly right as they pass. Usually we have the front door open to let the breeze come through the house and when these loud engines drive by it is noticeable even from inside the house. Way in the background I can hear a train honking. Just a few blocks from here down near 2nd st is where the train tracks run by. They run all the way through town and head to the southern part of Clinton.

So, moving on from that, I want to talk about last night at work. After the doors were locked, and I had patroled outside, I went down to the office. Maintenance received a call and we went out to investigate. The report said someone spotted a fire on the helicopter landing pad. I told the maintenance guy that I had been outside minutes earlier and had not noticed anything. We took the maintenance truck and drove over there. Of course on the landing pad, there was nothing. I felt a sense of relief when we saw this, because it assured me that what I had seen and noticed was correct. But, we did smell a strong smell of smoke. We went just off the property around the corner and there it was. A decent size fire burning.

The area that had caught fire is used by employees and some patient family members as a smoke break area because the hospital does not allow smoking on the property. Along the curb where the fire was, there are these large wooden things. Basically they are about ten foot long per section, and cubed in a way, completely out of wood and from what I'm told, have a kind of oil inside. I don't know if the oil they were coated with is a way that they are built, but that's what they told me. Well, someone had stuck a lit cigerette down beside a crack in the wooden railroad piece, and now a fire about three foot long was going. Tom, the maintenance guy with me, thought he had an extinguisher in the truck but was mistaken. I told him to go ahead and go get one, I would try to put out the main fire. When he came back, I had been grabbing arm fulls of dirt and dumping it all over the flames. After a few minutes, when he came back the flames were now much smaller in size. He seemed surprised. He was like "Hey, you almost got it out." After a little more dirt on the fire, the active flames were gone. However, there were still pieces of wood and debri that were kindled. He sprayed it all down using the extinguisher but we could hear a crackling. Plus I felt the back of the area where the huge railroad log was and it was really hot. I asked him if we could bring some water over because we needed to soak the whole thing to make sure it would not reignight. We went and got a huge mop bucket of water and doused it. I took a large metal rod and wedged it under the log, lifting that end of it up. Tom stuck his shovel under it, clearing out the stuff that kindled. Suddenly we knew it was all put out.

By this point we had not called anyone and reported anything. I decided that I needed to call the on call supervisor with the security company and report what had happened. I filled out an incident report and asked the on call supervisor if I should still call the fire department to at least let them know what happened. My thought on it was basically a "cover my ass" type of mentality. He was like "I would recommend it mainly to cover yourself. That way the client really can't say anything because you did everything you could do." So I did. I called the fire department and let them know what happened, that Tom and I extinguished the fire, that we soaked it with water and pulled pieces out to make sure there was no chance of rekindle. I mentioned to them that if they felt it was necesary that they should come out and look for themselves. They decided to. I received a call from the switchboard saying that Engine 3 was on their way and wanted me to meet them at the site of the fire. After shaking hands, as they looked at the fire site, I told them I was previously a fire fighter in the Air Force. The guy in charge was like "Oh! Cool!" Then after looking and feeling all over the area of the fire, he turned to the driver and said "The whole area is cold to the touch. I think it is out for good." Then he turned to me and said "Good job!" He took my name for his report, and I then went down to the office and finished my report, detailing what the fire department said.

So last night I did read quiet a bit, I wrote both in the journal and a few pages of the book I'm writing. The main thing I have not done as much as I have wanted this week is getting out and doing some form of exercise. Am I over extending myself by planning for so much that I want to get done each day and through out the week? I still like to stick with my plan to write every day, and to exercise a few times a week. I feel good about the plan still, because I have written every day. When I can't do one, I try to make up by doing something else. For instance, this weekend when I didn't get out and work out, I wrote a little in my book, I read a chapter in the novel I'm reading, and I wrote in my blog. So although not quite like I had planned, at least I'm still sticking with it. I'm trying to keep active and not completely just say "forget it" to everything. I did take a picture of a piece of art but then as I started writing this blog I wished I had gone over to where the fire was and snapped a shot of that. What better way to talk about something than to show a visual.

So the last thing I am going to write about today is the picture I posted. You may or may not have the same reaction I did to it. When I looked it over, I couldn't tell what it is a picture of exactly. The artist did an amazing job with all the different layers of it that it does not come across to me as one specific image. Perhaps it is a painting of caves and stuff growing all around. That could be possible with the purple areas. I know the flash in the center doesn't make it any easier to see the image. I guess the purple could be a form of water fall, with the green being off to the side indicating growth of some kind. I do not know what else to write about it. I'm sure if I wanted to sit here for another thirty minutes I could find little things to write but I need to get ready for work.

So, in closing, it is time for the lesson of the day. The lesson I leave you all with today is to be open minded to the idea of learning. Never stop trying to learn. Some of the things you might learn and wonder "When will I ever use this?" Well, when I stopped being a fire fighter I didn't think I would be putting out a fire at a place that I work at. However, obviously I was wrong, and I was happy that I knew what I was doing. Because I had learned something valuable in the past, I used that and was able to do my job really well, which I'm hopeful the bosses will notice. By the bosses I mean the "Client", whom is the hospital I am security for. I guess we will see. So there you have it, be willing to learn new things. Through the process of learning, you better yourself, increase the value that your employer will possibly put on you, and possibly open doors of opportunity down the road. I am trying to be open minded through out this year long process and be open to anything I could learn, any changes in life that will make things better for us, etc. So that is it for today! It has been a pleasure writing for you all. I will write again for you tomorrow. See you on day 9!

Thanks for being here.

CB

April 13, 2010 Day 7

Good evening everybody. I believe we are now on day 7. I regret that today I do not have any pictures to post, but that is ok. I received a call from my employer today. Between me and the other guard, I write up schedules for the two of us for the next 4 weeks. Well when my boss called, he gave me 3 or 4 different dates that he wants me to include on the next round of 4 week schedule I make up. The earliest one isn't until the end of May so we have a while. Well apparently on these dates, there will be no maintenance working and so myself and the other guard will both be working, one of us as a fill-in maintenance guy. When we did this before, the fill-in maintenance person really didn't end up doing any maintenance. If anything goes down, we call a maintenance guy that should be on call just in case. Usually the night goes pretty smoothly. If its something we can handle, such as a leak, we put buckets under it and then notify maintenance when they come in at 7 AM.

Well, if someone calls us through out the night with a problem that we are unable to fix, such as tv not working or something, we let the staff calling know that maintenance will be on duty in the morning and we will make sure they fix it.

This afternoon Ally called from school. She was supposed to take the bus home right after school and not wait for after school care because today was the beginning of soccer. She had practice today at 4:30, and when she called at 3:45 and wondered why we hadn't picked her up. We were like "Hon? You were supposed to ride the bus home, remember?" She was like "oh." So I went and picked her up. Brought her home, she got ready for soccer practice. As we were headed out the door, Zoe, wearing a long shirt and a diaper *she had ditched her pants* followed us to the door so I went ahead and swooped her up, putting her in the truck with us. Erin came out wondering what I was doing and I was like "Well, she followed us out and I figured might as well let her go too."

I had trouble finding the soccer fields but at least now I know where they are at. Erin called after I finally made it there and said she was going to come out too. The practice went well. I have not done anything in Soccer for aboout probably 4 years, and it is nice to start getting back there in some way. Zoe got done and ran around wanting to kick a ball too. It was fun just trying to keep her off the field. After a while, I took her to the field next door and let her kick around. She will be a big soccer player when she gets older. Erin mentioned something about one of the people trying to coach them possibly needing an assistant coach like me because of my knowledge of the sport and their lack of? I'm not sure. I think I would be willing to but being me, I don't see myself coming to them and offering. I think if they asked me I would. So, I'm going to call that it for tonight.

I'm at a loss for what the lesson for today could be. For lack of a better one, the lesson today can be: make sure to enjoy your days off. :) If you can think of a better one, by all means. Other than that, I would say there is no lesson for today ;) Will write again for you tomorrow.

Thanks for being here.

CB

Good evening everybody! Today is day 6. Last night was quite interesting. After we got done with Red Box movie number one, it was not quite 1:30AM and we went up to go to bed. Erin read for a little while on her kindle and went to sleep. I opened up my novel I'm reading and started a new chapter. After everyone in the household was asleep except for me, I was about half way through the chapter when I started hearing noises downstairs. Not just any noises. Actual thumbing sounds, one of which sounded like one of the doors closing. I kept stopping and listening, trying to see if I could hear the squeek of our stairs as if someone was trying to creep up them.

A big nightmare would be someone not only getting into the house, but getting into the house while we were all asleep. Sneaking into each of the bedrooms and being able to kill us or do God knows what to us without us being able to fight back. So, I kept telling myself "it's fine, there is nobody here." I went down to the landing between the upstairs and down here on the main floor, and stood there trying to look into the room I'm now lounging on the couch in. The only problem was, I had shut all the lights off and so I was peering into a pitch black room. I had the thought going through my head "God help us if there is someone in the darkness staring up at me, with me unable to see them." I went back to the bedroom and continued reading. When I was done, I turned the light off and tried to lay down. I posted on face book basically saying I was freaking out a little, and that I had the worst feeling that there was someone in the house downstairs.

Finally I decided I was not going to be able to let myself go to sleep until I could look everywhere and know for sure that we were alone. I turned my lamp back on, partially waking Erin up. I told her I would be back, that I was taking Teegan our husky downstairs with me to make sure that the doors and windows were locked. I told her about my horrible feeling and she said to be careful. Teegan ran downstairs first, I followed right on his heels, quickly running over to the lamps and turning them on. Made my way into the office, all clear. Checked the front door, locked and secured. Went over to the windows, they were open but we still had the little tab lifted above them which makes them only able to open a few inches. Made our way into the kitchen. One of the windows we had left very wide open. I closed it and put the security tabs in place. I did the same with the other window. On our way down stairs to the basement, I clicked the light on and made sure the back door was latched and locked. Good to go so far. In the basement, I looked for any and all signs that someone might have made their way in there. I found nothing. Went back into the laundry room part of the basement, and everything looked good back there. When I took Teegan and went back upstairs to bed, I left a lamp on in the kitchen, and a lamp on in the TV room that I am in now. I figured I didn't feel comfortable turning all the lights off last night.

Thankfully I was able to go to bed without feeling so insecure after having walked throughout the house making sure. You just never know these days. One day you think you're completely safe and then the next you are face to face with a monster in your own home. The thought went through my head that if it was just me, I would just lock myself in the bedroom. However, I have Erin and two little girls living here too and I would not let anything happen to them.

So onto today. When I was in English class, the teacher told us about the next and probably last major paper we will be writing for this class. It has to do with Argumentative topics. One of the assignments that was due today was we had to write as many topics that can be argued as we were able. One of them that I wrote was about our church. When Erin and I attended a little dinner group seminar thing at the church, our pastor talked about how men are leaders and are the main ones to be pastors and leadership roles at the church. Erin raised her hand and questioned him on it, asking why women weren't allowed to be in the leadership roles. He said that was just how they do things. So, one of my ideas for an argumentative essay was to write about that topic and argue about it using any research I can find. I remember having women pastors when I was younger. I see no reason why women should not be leaders as well. Look at Hillary Clinton, for example. The funny thing was, being about church, I didn't know if it would be allowed. So I mentioned it to the teacher and what inspired me to want to write about it. She immediately was like "That sounds great!"

So after class, I was walking out of the college and got a text from Erin. "Better come home quick! I made a new soup!" it said. "On my way," I replied back. When I got home, Erin was outside working on her garden, watering her plants while Zoe was over by the door playing in her little water pit. The water pit is kind of like one of those plastic sand pits but we put water in it instead. I went inside to get a bowl of soup, having not eaten anything yet today. It turned out Erin made her first batch of Ham and Potato soup. It was yummy! Yesterday she made donuts from scratch. She had made them before, but when she first made them, they weren't as much like donuts being the first batch. This round last night though, one bite and I was like "oh my gosh!" With all the things that Erin knows how to do, and how great everything is, I know that our bakery bistro is going to do great. We will finally put a bakery/restaurant in town that will give the other places a run for their money.

So we loaded up in the car, and went to pick Ally up. Her school lets out at 3:30. At 4PM she had her first swim lesson at the YWCA. The picture is up above. Now what can I write about this experience? Well, we watched her swim off and on. The reason why I say off and on is because the area where the pool was in was extremely warm. I was wearing windpants and a short sleeve shirt, and I was sweating horribly! Poor Zoe got nice and flushed in her cheeks. Erin, Zoe and I got up and went out of the room into the cooler part of the building to cool off. We got someone to give us a tour of the Y, telling us about the daycare, and the babysitting place where Zoe and Ally could both be watched temporarily if we were there for a work out class or just using the gym for an hour or whatever.

While we were there, Erin asked if I would be up for all of us going for ice cream afterwards since we were all so hot (Well except for Ally since she was in the pool). Of course I was up for it. We thought about getting the cheap cones at McD's, but decided to go through DQ. Erin and I both got waffle sundaes, Ally got a waffle cone, and we got Zoe a little plastic cup with a strawberry sundae. She ate it right up, only wearing it on her face and not all over her tummy. I polished my waffle sundae off really easily, and Erin finished most of hers and tried to give it to me. I thought it was really good, but I knew I could not handle any more. So we told Ally when she finished her cone if she wanted to munch on Erin's left over sundae to go for it, and she did!

So backing up a little bit, when we were on our way to the Y for Ally's swim lesson, my employer called wondering if I could come in for a few hours. They needed security for a few hours before the other guard was to be coming in and wanted to know if I could come in. I told them I would love to but we were on our way to an appointment for our daughter. They wanted me in there right now, and I explained that on my off days unless I know a little in advance, I can't come in too quickly. The big reason is when I'm off for a few days, I do not worry about shaving as much. What reason do I have? I'm not going anywhere. Usually i'm off for about three days so really its not too bad. I told the guy calling me that if I were to come in it would take me a while anyway because I would have to first go home, then shower and shave and get ready. I'm not "always ready to come to work," despite what they might think. On my days when I'm scheduled, of course I'm prepared to go. But the big thing for me was I wanted to be there with the family to see our oldest going through her first swim lesson.

So, with last night in mind, here is the lesson for today. No matter where you live, what you do, or whether or not you live alone. If you have a bad feeling about anything, be it something you are getting ready to do, something bad you think will happen, or just an over all bad feeling about something, listen to it. There is usually a reason why you are feeling that way and it could potentially save your life and the lives of the people you care for. When I was in High School, I listened to this extra sense all the time. A friend of mine called me and wanted to know if I would go cruising around with him. I had the familiar bad feeling and told him I had homework I needed to do. The next day I was called by his dad saying that my friend went off the road, rolling his car about ten times. He wasn't wearing his seat belt, but by the glory of God he was spared. I saw a picture of the car and it had previously been a Ford Escort. Now it looked like a tin can that was crushed in from all sides. Looking at the picture, I was sure that if I had gone with him that one of us would have been killed, and it very well could have been me. So, be open to those bad feelings and listen to them. Last night I listened to it and was able to go to bed with the peace of mind that the house was secure. For all I know I could have run into someone trying to get out of the house before I saw them. Safety first! Never take anything for granted, always be on your guard, and listen to your inner self when you have a bad feeling about anything, no matter what it is. Thats it for tonight! I hope you got something out of what I wrote today. I will write again for you tomorrow.

Thanks for being here!

CB

April 11th, 2010 Day 5

Today is officially day 5. I know that mentioning what day number we are on each time I post a new entry might seem boring, but it is my way of constantly keeping track of everything, including how many days I have been doing that. As a writer, it is what I do. Observe, document, repeat. Observe, document, and repeat some more. There's a few things I am going to write about. Lets start with the first subject of the day.

Before I begin writing about the first subject, I'm going to give you all some background. Our daughter Zoe had a young lady from our church as her main sitter. The sitter started her own baby sitting business within the past few months. She is, I believe, her only staff member. She is also a stay at home mom of a few kids. Things were fine for a while, better than fine it seemed. However, one day we randomly got a note in our daughter's bag saying she was no longer welcome back. We owed for 2 weeks and had arranged to pay her when we came back into town from a trip we took spring break weekend down to Erin's parents house. We payed the balance like we had promised and she let her back, but there was something else I believe. We went by, talked to her, and agreed that the 30th of each month would be best because of the way the paychecks work out. I specifically asked her if she could update the contract so that it was official and she told us she would. She said she would have it to us two days later, but that never happened. On the 30th, we couldn't reach her to give her the cash for the one day we owed her and my wife received a text saying to find another baby sitter. I went by right as I was going to work and payed her the $7.00 we owed her. She said she was welcome back Friday. However, Erin and I decided we wanted Zoe to be with a baby sitter we felt we could rely on, and decided to change over to this older woman that is more like a grandmother. I called the current sitter and told her very politely we were taking Zoe elsewhere and we would come by to pick up her stuff. That was about two weeks ago.

So, on to the first subject. I was sitting here working on typing up the entry for yesterday's blog, and Erin randomly mentioned to me about a face book message she received. She got a message from the former sitter. Remember, I have not said anything to her at all since Zoe's last day there, which has been not quite two weeks ago. When I did, it was on the phone and Erin was right next to me. I tried to be as polite as I could, but the sitter came across to me kind of up tight. I turned to Erin afterwards and asked "Did I sound at all pissed or disrespectful to you?" and she said "nope, not at all." Well the face book message she got from this gal last night and she was like "Erin whenever Chris talks to me he is very disrespectful." Erin was blown away, and was like "What?! If you have a problem with my husband you need to talk to him." And the gal was like "Nope, not talking to him." And my wife was like "Well I'm not going to be in the middle of this."

Of course, after the issue with the other guard calling and trying to report me to the boss or whatever, hearing about the former sitter accusing me of being disrespectful made me a bit irritated. I would say "pissed" but I didn't feel that strongly. Strongly irritated is probably a better description. Irritated because this lady and I have not spoken in weeks, but somehow I'm disrespectful to her? It comes a point when someone is just simply trying to complain behind people's backs in order to try to make trouble for them. I had several thoughts go through my head last night. 1) Was she thinking that if she complained about this to Erin that she would get Erin and I fighting? That's obsurd. 2) Erin and I talk about everything, and to try to turn us against each other about something like this is pretty rediculous. 3) Another thought I had is that this gal is so overwhelmed with being a stay at home mom of 2 or more kids, plus being the one running her daycare all by herself, etc. 4) I thought about how to approach this situation that had me stressing out last night.

Do I approach her directly and try to talk to her about it even though she has made it clear she does not want to talk to me? Do I write a letter? If I did, what would I say? Would I be able to keep it civilized or would I end up going off on her? Based on the feelings that went through me when I found out what she said about me, I don't trust myself to keep it civilized with her. Do we start going to a different church so we don't have to come across this lady? Then I thought to myself 'that's rediculous. Why should we leave the church? We have done nothing wrong, and if she has a problem with us she will just have to get over it.'
I decided that the best way to approach it is to just continue to not say anything to her and hope that the longer we do not deal with eachother directly, hopefully she will get over what ever issue she is having. Personally, I have no problem not speaking with her. In fact, the way I am apparently is if I do not deal directly with someone I have had problems with, then over time I am able to move on with life myself also.

It's a very big challenge for me. I honestly really want to march right up to her and give her a piece of my mind. However, I do not know if that would solve anything. In fact, it could make things worse. So no, I will not. I will try to let it go and hope she will give it a rest. Yet another thing on the list of things that we are going through during this difficult time that will be better by next year. We all go through challenges and must do our best.

So on a more positive note, this time I included two pictures posted up above. One picture is a chalk drawing on the driveway by our daughter Ally. I've always known that she is a fan of art. She draws a lot. It's never the same type of drawings. It's always different things she draws. Well I guess maybe I had never paid attention as closely as I thought I had. Today after she had drawn outside for a few minutes with the chalk, I went out to get my college book from my truck so I could work on homework and her partial picture caught my eye. So far she had only had this very creative, colorful, and beautiful multi-colored sun drawn. I have not looked at it since she went out and colored it some more.

Well when I caught a look at the colorful sun you see up above, the thought that went through my head was "wow, our daughter has potential as an artist." I know it may not be much of a drawing right now, but you know what? To me its amazing because I don't think i could draw even that. You know what I did next? When I came inside with my book, I walked over to Ally, put my arm around her and said "Wow hon, you did a great job on your drawing. I want you to know that if you want to draw, if you want to do art like that, I want you to go for it. I want you to do what makes you happy." It made me think "What if when she goes to college, she decides that she wants to get an art degree?" Then I answered my own question with "I think she should do what makes her happy. If she wants to draw or do other kinds of Art as a career, I say hell yes, you go girl!" The funny thing is, when I grew up I was always told "Go to school for something that you can get a good job in." That's a big reason why I am going to school for nursing. However, I will be starting school online continueing on a degree I started while in the Air Force. I want to manage and possibly own a hotel in the future so this degree will help move me in the right direction.

The other photo up above is a picture of Ally petting our husky's belly. Today I knew I was going to be posting an entry here, but did not know if I would be posting a picture since I'm off till Tuesday night. After taking the picture of her drawing and then petting the dog's belly, I knew what I would be uploading.

So last night, we decided we would go to bed earlier than we had been. I had posted my blog online, and Erin had gotten her homework done and turned in. I had not gone to the Y or worked out by going out for a walk or anything. I had a feeling I would not feel up to it. So, with that in mind I wanted to do as much as I felt up for last night. When we went up to go to bed, I made sure to bring the novel I'm reading and I read till i got to the next chapter. It was about 30 pages. So, when I finally laid down and tried to go to sleep, I still felt ok because of having written my journal and read. I thought to myself "I will just have to be sure to get out and do some form of exercise on Sunday, even if just a good walk, something. Then I will have stayed on my plan."

So tonight around 8PM, we put Zoe in the stroller. She kept saying "GO GO!" which means she wants to go somewhere. If we aren't leaving to go anywhere we will be like "No! Stay Stay!" Well we went. We walked down a few blocked, turned right, walked down a couple of blocks, and turned left again. We walked down three or four more blocks to the Jewel grocery store and returned the movie to the red box machine. We did, of course, rent two more movies. Then we turned around and walked back the way we came, heading back home. We all grabbed a glass of water when we got home, and I hooked the dog back up outside and gave him some water as well. It was a nice walk. It also made me feel good because I had done some form of exercise. The only thing I didn't do last night was write in the book I'm working on, but thats ok.

So for tonight, the lesson is this. It goes along with the idea of walking away, but is not exactly the same. Talking about your problems is important. The lesson for tonight would be to keep an open mind and to always be willing to talk to the people you have an issue with. Doing so helps you to work out whatever the problem is between you. However, the catch is this. In a situation where there is a problem between you and another person, whether or not it is more on their side than on yours, here's what I say. If the other person tries to complain about it, but will not talk to you about it, then let them cool off. I have noticed and learned in the past that when someone is trying to get attention through means of complaining or being a pain, sometimes you just do the walk away approach like we discussed last night. This should be done only if you know that talking is not possible. So there you have it readers. The lesson for tonight is to be willing to talk, if the other party is willing to work things out. I'm sure you will know if it will even be an option, but you always have the option to walk away if you absolutely need to. I will write for you all again tomorrow.

Thanks for being here!

CB

April 10th, 2010 Day 4

3 days down; We are officially on Day 4. I'm going to start this entry first with talking about being distracted. When I'm at work and read and write, I usually am alone and have no trouble keeping focus on what I am doing. Currently, as I write this blog I am sitting in the family room at home. I am sprawled out length wise on the couch. My wife, Erin is lounging on the recliner. I love the weekend off after finishing the work week. I was just thinking about the fact that although the motivation and desire to write is there, it is hard as hell to do it. Harder in fact than when I'm at work. Now, what I wonder is, what 'exactly' is keeping me distracted? Is it the tv? Being at home around other people? I guess it could be pretty much anything. What I personally believe is the distraction is the tv. Off and on, I tend to look up in order to keep track of what is going on. So, apparently it is harder to do my work at home while trying to hang out and relax. But, it must be done.

So last night while I was working, I found myself thinking about the idea of change. Change can be a good thing, can it not? I believe the saying is "Change is good." What do you think? Do you like change? In your current life situation, do you think change would be good or bad? I guess it all depends on the change. Take last night for instance. When I was making my patrols, I could see the obvious changes that had taken place. For example, ever since I started as a guard here, the staff has changed a lot. There were certain receptionists for the first two months. They were always the same ones. One of them became a tech and so she no longer works the desk. She also works 2nd shift instead of 3rd, so she's no longer on my shift. There is another gal that was always on the desk, but I think her shift has changed too because sometimes I see her over night, other times I see her maybe for an hour and thats it. With them no longer being on the same shift or same job, other people are now working the desk. These new people, from my experience so far, are more of the standoff'ish types. They are the kind of people that look at you and then just nod and turn away, like their saying "oh you, hi." So at my job, the change has not necesarily been that good.

Now my life on the other hand, I'm looking forward to that change.

I'm sure you all will have already noticed the picture posted up top. I wasn't sure if I would see anything else that caught my eye, especially ones that weren't like the first two I posted. This one though seems more captivating than others. Maybe its the water effects of the picture. I don't know. What it looks like to me is maybe a pool. Yes that could be it. Perhaps a swimming pool, the light glistening off the water. If you look close enough you can almost see the reflections of the clouds and stuff. Beside the pool, my favorite part is the grass or shrubbery that has grown up beside it.

I can't explain why I have felt drawn to post pictures. I guess the way I'm approaching my plan, and this blog, is that no matter where I am at I keep an open mind. I do this with the hope that random thoughts and ideas will come pouring in, more I can write and express myself about.

Last night at work, I was doing some reading while taking a break. The maintenance guy was down in the office taking a break as well. He turned to me and was like "I realized where you live exactly." I was like "Oh?" to which he responded with "You really don't live far at all do you! Why do you drive?" I was like "Well, we are not allowed to use the trucks here at the hospital, and I have to take at least two trips down to south campus through out the night." He nodded, suddenly seeming to understand where I was coming from. I continued. "You see, if I was using the company trucks like we were allowed to do when I first started working here, I would probably walk the one block to work because I wouldn't have to drive my own truck down to the other campus. But since I have to use my own truck, I'm lazy and really don't want to walk home to get my truck, then park it back there again and walk back. It's a few extra minutes I would rather spend doing other stuff."

Living so close to where I work is a big plus. It comes with its downsides though. We have to use our own vehicles to patrol around in, and the company doesn't reimburse us for gas cost. I'm told by my parents and everyone else that technically by law companies are required to reimburse for gas if you have to use your own vehicle. Well, I'm living testimony that it does not happen with me. Am I going to complain? No. Why? Because I am thankful simply to be working. Yes I do not make as much as I would like, but I'm happy to just have my job. I intend to stay as long as possible. I would only consider leaving if I came across a job that was much higher in pay and included health benefits. Then it'd be on the table.

Here's what's going on today. As far as the blog, I've written. As far as my book, I haven't yet, but once my computer recharges (I have been on it for a while today and it's now getting low), I really want to get back on and do some work on it. Have not yet, and that part bugs me a little bit. As far as going to the Y, I decided to maybe go a different route today. There are 2 reasons for that. 1) I have no idea where my actual running shoes are. I have been looking for them all over, so far with out any success. 2) Because of that, when I went to the Y on thursday, I ran on the treadmill using my shoes that were a little nicer. Not really the type of shoes you should run in, and oh boy did I feel it later. Not only did my legs burn that night, but all day yesterday at work I was hurting.

So mini lesson for ya, which I'm sure everyone is already aware of. If you are going to work out, wear the appropriate work out gear. Not doing so will cause you much greater discomfort than you need to go through. I figured "what the heck? It's hopefully juts one time, what harm can it do?" Well now I know, and so do you.

So tonight I figure Erin, myself, Ally and Zoe will take the dog and head out to the river walk path. Hopefully they fixed the lights from last year. Last year the lights were all out. I heard rumors that this year they were working. We will see. Maybe we will bring a flashlight with us just in case. So tonight, that will be my form of exercise that I have vowed to do. I didn't want to not do anything, but I just hurt so bad throughout the night that the idea of getting on the treadmill today just sounded horrible to me. Working out and exercising should not be something that you dread. If you dread it, then why are you doing it? It's as though we would be simply working out till we were in an early grave, despite the fact that we might hate what we are doing. Personally one thing I would love to get back into is biking. When I was in Maryland just before I got discharged, I bought a mountain bike from Walmart. I began riding my bike to work every day and back. It was atleast a mile and a half one way, so after a few weeks of doing that it actually helped me get into really good shape. I could run harder without having had to kill myself running the first few times. That is precisely the reason I don't like to run is because when you haven't for so long, it seems like you are going to die trying to catch your breath the first time.

Last Friday, I was trying to call out to someone on the phone and I missed a call from Maintenance a few minutes after my shift started. When I met up with him a little later, he said that he would really appreciate it if I were to touch base with him when I get in so that if he needs me I can come up and take over for him right away. I said sure why not, made sure I knew the code to page him with, and went on my way. When I came in Wednesday, he told me he owed me an apology. I figured it was for Friday night but I was wrong. He told me the other guard came in on my off day, and the maintenance guy requested the same thing from him. The guard asked why, and he told him how he couldn't reach me on the phone that one time. Well, the maintenance guy said that the guard (He used the word "Doosh") went and looked up the phone calls, and then called the boss and said the maintenance guy reported me as being late, which I was not. Then he went back and told the maintenance guy that the boss said thanks. He looked at the guard and asked what made him think he was saying 1) that I was late, which he had not said, and 2) that he was telling him he should say anything about it to the boss? Well after some very tense conversation between the two of them, the maintenance guy told me that he and the other guard are not speaking right now. He was like "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how big a doosh that guy was and I shouldn't have said anything."

I was just like "Well, he has been here a month longer than me, but has called in about 4 times, maybe more. I've covered for him, without him taking any of my shifts to make up for it." Then I was like "I'm tempted to message him, but I'm just going to let it go and move on. The boss never said a word to me, so I'm guessing that they blew him off or whatever, since they know me well by now. I have never missed a shift, have covered for others, and have already been Guard of the Month when I first started. For instance, when I find a door unlocked, if it is just simply unlocked and nobody is in there, I relock it and figure there's no need for much else." He responded with "That's because you're one of the few guards that have been here with a solid head on your shoulders." I was like "Thank you very much, that means a lot."

That goes along with honoring your employer. I do the best I can for them, and they see it.

I'm sure there is more but right now I feel like I'm digging for stuff to write about. Damn writer's block. ;) I'm sure after I re-read this and see the length I will be blown away like I was last night.

So lesson for today is this. Be willing to walk away. Can you change something by going after those that have stabbed you in the back? Sure, but is it worth it? Not usually. When I mentioned that I walk away, to the maintenance guy, he said that there was a while the hospital employed their own as guards. They had two of them just like we have now, and the two always bickered back and forth. One would say the other did something wrong. Then the other would fire back with something he thought the other guard did. Eventually, the boss at the hospital just said "Since neither of you can do the job, you're both fired." And then he went back to the security company I'm employed through.

So, if you do the best that you can, and do it right then the people above will know. I know it can be tempting to return fire, but sometimes the true saying is It takes the bigger man - or woman - to walk away. The way I see it is that the person trying to make you look bad will eventually shoot themselves in the foot. If there is no proof for their claims, then eventually when they don't get a response that they want they will try harder. Eventually the bosses see their desperate attempts to get the other co-worker in trouble and they usually will get rid of them instead. Maybe in the past this has resulted differently, but usually this is the way it works. Just trust me. Walk away. Be the bigger person. Do your best. Simple as that. God will help you through the struggles, and punish those who are trying to come against you unjustly. I will write for you all again tomorrow.

Thanks for being here!

CB

April 9th, 2010 Day 3

We are now on day 3. Last night while I was at work I passed this picture that you see posted here. The funny thing though is that I have probably passed this picture a hundred times already, and have never stopped to look at it. However, after I noticed how drawn in I was to the first picture I posted, lately I have probably stopped at every single frame of art on the wall. I will be the first to admit, I am not an artist in that way. I personally do not see myself as having a talent for drawing or painting. Writing and art in my oppinion are very similar. Are they the same? I do not know if they are or not. When it comes to art, I'm what I would call an 'art observer.' I think if I tried to, I might be able to learn 'how' to draw a little. The reason why I wouldn't try to look into that is because my love is for writing.

So here is some good news for ya. I have noticed some good already coming from what I'm trying to do. Since I started doing this a few days ago, I have followed through with everything I have decided to do. I have written in the blog every day since day one. I have written in the book I'm working on. I have read quite a bit in the novel I'm reading. Also, one other thing. You may not be religious in any way, but I am. I try my hardest to follow his commandments and do the right things. I have been trying to think positively about life, and be thankful to God for the positive changes that I know are coming.

For me, and maybe this doesn't go for everybody, but being positive is not easy at all. As a matter of fact, I personally always have found it way too easy to think negative about things than to think positive. Can I change that? You bet I can! And I have in the past! When I was married to my first wife, not only were things bad financially the entire way through, but the marriage it self was one big load of stress with a large spoon full of headache on top. This may be a mini lesson in itself, but the way I tried to change my negative thinking is like this. During the day, when people would ask me "Hey! How are ya doing!" I would respond with "I'm really good! How are you?" It was not the truth very often at first. I still felt negative inside. However, the more I went through the motions of it, the feelings came. They say that about loving someone also. Even if things are stressful, tense, or just hard in a way, if you tell them how much you love them and love them to the fullest, the feelings will follow. Sometimes we have to go through the motions of believing and being positive just to get us by until it becomes reality. I have noticed the change in how I feel since I have made the decision to stick to my year long plan. It is a slight difference, but light has started to pierce the darkness. I'm thankful that God is with me and my family as I go through this. Without Him I know this would be so much harder.

The very first night, Wednesday night at work, I read, I wrote in my book, I wrote my blog, and when I got off at 6 am and came home, by that afternoon when I woke up and had gotten back from working out at the Y, I felt different. I felt more peace than I had felt almost in a month. If you ask my friend Melissa, I was texting with her while I was out on parking lot patrol. She and I are both pretty busy, so there are days when we have not been able to really chat hardly at all. I expressed to her all the issues I was having, and that I really needed to be able to talk to my best friend. Thankfully she has always been there for me, and she listened to me that night. It helped a lot, and I'm thankful for her. She is now one of my following friends on this blog and I have requested to befriend her on here also. If any of you would like to connect with her, follow the links. So there you have it. Keeping up with my plan for the year, and I have already seen a difference. Is it still hard? Sure, but I'm at the beginning of all this, and so I still have a long way to go.

When it comes to being God fearing and honest, I am speaking about myself in the literal sense. From personal experience, I can say without out the shadow of a doubt that when you try to live by how God wants you to live, you will live a happier and healthier life. I'm not perfect in any way. I am human after all. What I mean is this. Temptation is always out there. It could be temptation in the form of drinking. Perhaps reading this, you are one of those people whom comes home from work and wants nothing more than to drink yourself silly.

It could be the temptation of things like gambling. I bought my fair share of lottery tickets, so I am not any less guilty than the next. Even at the wanting to come home and drink myself silly. I have done that in the past because of debt and harrassing phone calls from debt collectors. Perhaps you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, or a wife/husband. There is the temptation to lust after other men or women. Am I guilty of this? Yes unfortunately I am. Am I ashamed about it? I would say yes and no. I am not proud of it, but I have done it. My first marriage was a marriage of many sins and mistakes, for lack of a better description. Thankfully things have changed since then. Now I'm in a new erra of stress, tension, and temptation. In a pit you could say. The purpose for me through this blog is to show everything I will be doing to pull myself out. As I do, I will be figuratively building a deck of concrete beneath me so as to hopefully never fall down there again.

Even with sticking to the plan I have set in motion, today for some reason did not feel as good and stress free as last night. I don't know what about it was different. There was more tension at home. Moderate amounts, but still there. I was on the phone getting information about life insurance for both Erin and I. I'm researching it and have not made any plans yet. The lady I was talking to wanted to schedule someone to come do a medical evaluation to make sure we would be approved. I just did not have the greatest feeling about moving forward with it at this point in the game and told her I would need to talk it over with Erin and call her back. I mentioned it to Erin, and I didn't get the best vibe from her. Maybe thinking of insurance that covers both us parents just in case the unthinkable happens is a touchy subject, but it is still a subject of great importance. Eventually I'm sure we will decide on who to go through. For now I'm sure we will just keep researching and see what we can find. Get the best coverage for our money so to speak.

On top of that, while I was on the phone our girls were being loud and distracting. Was first on the phone in the TV room while Ally and Zoe were watching Muppets. It was loud in there, so I went into the kitchen. Well they both followed me in there, and wrestled on the floor yelling. I first scolded them, telling them to please be quiet, that I was on the phone. Then Ally came over and was tapping me on the shoulder. "Dad? Dad? Dad?" "What?!" I said barely any louder than a hiss. "Zoe and I are going to go outside." I was like "No, you will go in the other room and sit quietly until I'm done." I try not to blow up and scream at them. I know that would never do any good. No matter how upset I might be about something, I try to not raise my voice at all if I can help it. Nobody wins in a shouting match. Better to keep your cool and try to talk about it calmly. Both sides will walk away feeling better usually.

So about the picture you see above. It is hard to tell on the computer. But it is a picture showing lots of plants and outdoor wildlife. Very beautiful colors all around. If you look closely you can see all the layers of beauty mixed in. You can go so very deep, its amazing. I am still keeping my eye out for any other pictures that might draw me in but most of them are pretty 2D and don't really capture my attention like these kinds do. You might be sitting there wondering "What is the deal with him posting these random picture?" Maybe as you read that quote just now, you thought to yourself "Yeah! I was just wondering that!" Did I just take the words right out of your mouth?

So for today, the lesson I will leave you with is this. Honesty. I heard a saying once recently. "If you are not honest with yourself, you will not be honest with everyone else." That is so true! If you tell yourself a lie often enough, eventually you will grow to believe that it is true. Living an honest life will slowly lift you up. When I say living honest, I mean that: 1) don't take that which does not belong to you. If it costs money and you don't have enough? Leave and come back if/when you can afford it. When you live an honest life and wait to have the things you want, eventually you will get to where you want to be and it will be so worth it.

Erin and I attended a Financial Peace class with Dave Ramsey. If you have financial troubles, don't have money saved, and are not really all too good with handling money, you should read his books and get into this class. It helps. He has a saying when it comes to living cheaply and saving money. If you live like nobody else today by only spending money on necessities, putting money into savings, paying off debt, then later on in life you will have more money than you will know what to do with and you can live like nobody else. Erin and I are working on that right now. In fact, money in savings and some debt knocked off are some of my goals to have a big dent in when my 365th posting comes along.

So there you have it readers. Lesson for the day is honesty. Honesty with yourself, your wife, friends, employer, and most importantly, God, who knows and owns it all.

I was not sure how much I would have to write about today. So I'm surprised at how much I ended up with. I'm glad. It has been a pleasure writing for you again today. I will talk to you again tomorrow.

Thanks for being here.

CB