Since having been friends with melissa, and ashley, a pet peve I've developed is people saying they will do one thing, but then they don't. For example, Melissa and I were the best of friends for many years. We met online back when Lori and I were married, and we texted and chatted online all the time. I never would have thought that our friendship would go poof and be gone, but sadly one day it did. To this day I still don't know exactly what happened. From one of our last chats *which we had gone about a year-ish, since we had talked last*, from what I gathered, we were both going through a rough time. I was going through a rough time in Iowa, dealing with a lot, and I learned (too late apparently), that at the same time, she had been going through a rough time and that someone very dear to her had passed away and she tried to tell me and I went off about how things were going for me. Not the most sensitive, but to this day I swear I don't even remember this discussion. Well, that was like the last straw I guess and I stopped hearing from her for a while. Then we started talking again for a while, but I guess she changed her mind because then I tried texting her a few times and she stopped responding. So, either she changed her number or just flat out figured "fuck you!" and ignored me.
So then there was Ashley, or "Ash" as myself and others called her. She lives up in Maine, and we would talk off and on for quite a few years. We'd go like a year and then we'd message a few times, and then we'd go a while without talking again. Well when I was driving for CR England, for some reason, we got really close, closer than we had ever been. She was going through a rough time and she needed support I guess, so of course, being the friend I try to be, I was there for her if needed. Anything from just chatting about whatever, to loading up my computer and putting oovoo or yahoo video chat on. Sometimes the video chat would be on, and I'd be doing other stuff not even chatting on the screen, and she would basically be doing the same. Occasionally we would load up yahoo video chat and we would actually be talking. It depended on the day, but that's what I figured I was there for, a friend if she needed one.
Well, then it came out of the blue, but one day we were chatting like we usually did, and then the next day suddenly she was not responding. When I'm close friends with someone or close with someone in general, I am pretty good about being able to tell when something is up. Take my cousin Mary for example. We text back and forth fairly regularly, so it's easy for me to tell when there is something bothering her. Usually she's very chatty, and when she's quiet I'm like "ok whats wrong cuzzo?" She then tells me what the issue is that is going on in her life that day, and every time i'm thinking "yup, I knew there was something wrong." Well the same deal was with ashley and melissa. I knew immediately that there was an issue. I kept texting ashley every so often to try to figure out if something was wrong, but then when she responded, she basically told me that "it was God's will that we should probably not talk like we do right now." I was like "huh?!" So, we went from talking every day, to not talking at all. So for like the first two months it was hell because I was so used to chatting all the time.
Let me back up a bit. When ashley and I started to really connect, I kept my walls up. I told her I didn't want to allow myself to open up because I didn't want to risk getting hurt when she left. She was like "no I'm glad you're opening up. I want you to be open with me. I'm not going anywhere. Sad to say you're stuck with me! :P" So, trusting her word, I let my guard down, and let myself open up.
So, when she kicked me to the curb and said it was because "God wanted her to", I had trouble dealing with that at first. You could say I was telling myself "great, damn it, what the hell was I thinking! I knew I should have kept my walls up!"
So, since then, for a while we were not on foursquare or facebook together at all, but since then, we are connected again on both, but we don't talk. I figure I'm here if it ever changes (which I doubt it will), but I've tried to comment on foursquare and she never responds. However many months back, she told me if I was ever in Maine to let her know and she wanted to meet me. Well, I then got to maine a few weeks later and I messaged. I was literally like 20 minutes from her, but she never said anything back. So I thought "fuck it, I tried."
I've sense confirmed *although I knew this anyway*, that her and melissa are still thick as thieves, so I guess they both either individually or jointly decided to kick me to the curb because they couldn't be friends with each other and with me at the same time. I'm not sure what the issue is, but I've bee working through it.
So, moving on, yesterday, a cousin of mine up in connecticut, Dannielle (i've never met her in person, just through facebook so far), she started writing recently. So far from what I've noticed, just a short story. She messaged me on facebook and asked me if I would read what she wrote and give her feedback. I was like "sure why not." I mentioned that I have started writing a book of my own but havent worked on it for a while, and that I had like 100+ pages. She was like "Send it to me! I'd love to check it out and let you know what I think!" So, for the first time in a while, I felt inspired and thought "well maybe I'll get back to it and resume writing in the book." The next morning we were texting and she asked me to sum up what it was about, and i did, and she goes "actually I'm not into that stuff." So, I was like "so you don't want me to send it to you after all?" She was like "no, but it sounds like you got it pretty well figured out."
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bummed by this. It goes back to someone saying something, ad then changing. I mentioned it to cousin mary and she was like "why would she ask and then change her mind?" I was like "hell if i know." But I again thought "i shouldnt have even said anything about my book, what the hell was I thinking?" I guess I really looked forward to her reading my book so far and letting me know what she thought. I got my hopes up too much apparently.
So, moving on from that, I was delivering at the bj's in burlington, nj yesterday afternoon, and another schneider driver was there waiting also. I could tell by his truck he was a lease operator and so of course we got to chatting. He was telling me about how on his good weeks he has paychecks of $2,000...and how on his bad weeks (like when he goes home for 3 days), he has like, 700-800. He said a few weeks ago he had a week where he made $4000, and so he made two extra truck payments and he was getting ready to pick up a load headed back towards his home in Mass, and he was basically going to go home for like 3 weeks. I was like "well damn." So, I was then bummed about that because that is the direction I'd ideally like to go as far as my job goes.
So, I'm trying to hold myself up the best that I can. I'm thankful that I have erin and the girls, and that I have Mary, her brother, and her parents (my aunt and uncle) up in connecticut. Other than that, there isn't really a long list of people I'd call true friends. I thought melissa was and I was mistaken. Then I thought Ashley was and she showed that we really werent.
On that note, a guy I've known since high school, whom I've always considered a really good friend, called me up two nights ago. It was great to hear from him. We literally talked for like an hour about how if he wins the lottery jackpot, he would split it with me, and so I was like "hey I'll do the same, if I win I'll split it with you but you'll have to come out to pa :P" It was great. We even talked about the pet site that I have wanted to do for a while. He's a programmer and has a lot of experience now and he asked me about if I still want to do my petsite. I was like, "hell yeah, but I can't afford to hire a programmer right now, and I especially can't afford you james!" He was like "no dude, I'd be doing it as a hobby, but I've got enough experience and I'm confident enough, that I know we can do it now if you want." So, I'm thinking I might re-register the domain names when I get my bonus next month, and get a small hosting package, and see if we can get art work started for the pets and items and stuff and we'll see what we can do! Part of me is trying to keep the walls up going "i don't know if I should go for it and get my hopes up". I guess that's what life is all about eh? You take chances, you go for the things that you want. I'd do that with leasing, but Erin's not ok with it after how england went and so without her blessing, I am sort of stuck where I'm at I figure. But pet site wise, maybe now's the time! I just have to figure out if Erin would do art work for us to start, and/or if there is anyone out there artist wise that can do pets and items for us without any issues. I guess we will find out! Time will tell!
So, in conclusion, I'm up here in Massachusetts right now. Got up here last night because this customer allows us to park the night before. Got here at midnight, got up by 7:15, checked in by 7:45, got docked in my door by 8:30, and have been just hanging out. So, in the mean time I got online and did my school posts, called our storage place out in iowa and payed the storage bill, and now here I am doing my blog. Yes I know, been a fun morning so far. I'm kind of hoping to be done here soon. My next load that I'm picking up is like a half hour from here and it is going straight to the yard in fairless so basically I'm shooting straight there and dropping the trailer, parking the truck, and going home for my time off. :-D
So, I included more pictures for your amusement. One is me showing off my two lottery tickets. Sadly, I wasn't the winner of the 550Million mega millions drawing. Oh well, I continue to get a few tickets each week in hopes that some day (hopefully soon), I will be able to come home full time. The other pictures are just random pictures I took with the web cam. Figured I get use out of the webcam this way, since I don't video chat with anyone on the computer any more.. :) Hope you all are well. God Bless!
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